It has been a long time yet again since I have posted anything. It's not because things haven't happened but mostly because I haven't felt like anything really good has happened. You will see by this post that I have been preoccupied by something for the last 8 months that has made it hard for me to think of anything else.
About 8 months ago I found out that I was pregnant. At first I didn't believe it because my body had been so unpredictable with regards to my period and ovulation. So to be sure I took like 3 pregnancy tests on different days. They were all positive and I couldn't have been more excited. Sol and I had been wanting this for almost two years and to think that we were finally going to get our wish made us so happy. Because I hadn't taken a pregnancy test until I was about 7 weeks along my doctor couldn't fit me in until I was 10 weeks on Nov 8th. I was a little scared that having my first doctors visit that far into the pregnancy was bad, but the nurse assured me that it was fine. Now I know that that was a blessing in disguise.
The night before my scheduled appointment we were at my parents having dinner when I started to cramp really bad. I have cramps every period, but this was worse than any I had experienced. I knew something was wrong and I was completely devastated. Before we left my parents house that night my dad and Sol gave me a blessing which I know was the reason I got through the next day.
November 8th is somewhat of a blur to me. I remember waking up feeling a little better and then like 20 minutes after Sol left for work things got bad. I can't even describe the agonizing pain I was in physically and emotionally. I know that at one point I called Sol and told him that he needed to come home because I was not going to go through this on my own. When Sol got home we ended up having to go to the Hospital because I was bleeding more than they like. We were at the hospital for almost 4 hour before they told me the news that I had indeed miscarried. I think by that point I was so emotionally spent that I just felt numb. That night I didn't do much other than sit on our bed thinking that this was the worst day of my life.
I am sure you are wondering why I am saying all this now and the answer is because I am trying to get some closure. This week is the week that I would have had my little baby and I really was hoping that I would be pregnant again before this week came, but sadly that hasn't happened. I am sure the reason this has been so hard is because I am taking hormones every month to try and help me get pregnant so I have to think about it each and every day and when I don't get pregnant each month it brings back the feelings of that day. I can honestly say that this is the hardest trial I have ever had to go through, but I am grateful for all that I have learned and for the many blessings this has shown me that I have.
So we are trying to live life to the fullest and we are trying not to dwell on the things that we don't have and focus on what we do have. Sol is much better at this then I am or maybe he just hides his feelings better than I do, but either way we really are doing fine. I can't thank all my friends and family enough for how supportive they have been and how willing they are to share their experiences with me. That is something that has helped me so much through this whole process is hearing from those that have had experiences like this. It made me realize that I am not alone in this and that things really will be okay. I think that is another reason I finally decided to post about this, so that if there is anyone in the same situation looking for something that can help them get through the tough time, maybe this could be of help. I'm sorry for how depressing this post has sounded, but it is a part of my life and I know that I would completely regret it if I pretended like it never happened. We are hopeful that we will get pregnant at some point and we know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Sometimes it is so hard not knowing what that plan is, but I can honestly say I trust the Lord completely and I know that he knows what's right for me.
